I am certain he is the one...

#myweddingdairies

It was a beautiful day, honestly,  don't remember most of it, all I knew was you standing next to me smiling like an infant clinging to his favorite toy.

I fell in love with a friend, don't know when.. don't know how. It just happened. I knew the second I met him, it wasn't him.. yes 'wasn't'! He didn't fall on my like list initially.  Whatever he did, my hatred and dislike stood above. Our exchanges were restricted to simple smiles,  some very witty conversations, and other simple chats. I couldn't stand him.

It has been years since I have smiled looking at my phone and he has made it happen. But that's not how I knew I was in love. Underneath that thick head was someone just like me, too screwed up to make sense of the stuff happening around us. He brought me back from the dark place I was in and I hope I did the same for him too. I sat there adoring him and fighting the urge to hug him and stay with him forever. We lived 50 km away, yet, he would never hesitate to be at my doorstep ( PG ). Be it morning or evening or night or even midnight!

Knowing you has changed my life. You have opened up my heart the way I didn't know was possible.

I wanted to find someone I can live with but I ended up finding someone I cannot live without.

He doesn't know what he can do for me. I do.

And no one can treat me like he does. 

There were hard times, but there were merrier times to remember and the hard ones faded away. We fought ( still fight ) mainly because, 
1 ) He picks his nose all the time. 
2 ) He is slow in everything and late all the time.
3 ) He is a bad driver/rider. 

With my caste ( the way I grew up ) being different from his, there were issues convincing our parents. He did not give up though I did many times... and finally, he made it happen. He convinced everybody against all odds and we were all set to get married.  I still cannot forget the day when everything fell into place... ( because I had a moment with my crush at work and I was wearing something which wasn't comfortable )

All arrangements were done from my end and his preparations were never ending with his pace; I didn't interfere. 

We planned a get-together at my place before the wedding to spend time with our close friends since we knew we couldn't share a joke or eat from their plates during our wedding. He( my husband now ) was late here too. It was one crazy party I was ever part of... crazy games, crazy noise, crazy people, crazy hair  (I am a tenacious spirit with wild hair) crazy owner of the place I pay rent for ( she warned us only 4 times ) and crazy freedom. I enjoyed every single bit of it... even the toilet cleaning post the party...  

Marriage isn't just a ceremony, it's a lifetime memory...( I still remember after a year ) And for me this was a dream come true. 

I would like to thank my lovely sister Sujatha Singh, who was the driving force behind all the comfort and happenings. Sorry for all the sleepless nights...and thank you so much...Secondly thanks to my lovely energetic and charming bridesmaids Pavitra and Ajitha for everything. You gals didn't just take part in my ceremony, you made the ceremony colorful and memorable for both of us. Thanks, Sayeesha and Sanjay for making this occasion a sexy one...Oh yeah.. how can I forget the bride gang!! You guys put the stage on fire!! Manu,  thanks for being the handsome host.. and Prabhu what can I say... You are charming and thoughtful as always...Sushma, you brought me tears literally.. thank you for the lovely message. ( They are all people who are closely related to me as family and friends ) 

Thanks to all my friends for the blessings... I want to thank both my families for showering their unconditional blessings and finally my beloved husband Sree Sudhir for the lovely birthday surprise...My wedding is on the 4th of December and my birthday on the 5th; should I be happy that my husband can never forget the anniversary and the birthday or should I be sad that I would be getting one gift instead of two..?

Like every flower so beautiful and bright,
Every moment spent during my wedding was special and memorable.
And finally... clouds began to lighten up and Sun started to shine through... and it continues to be like that...  ( thinking of my debts incurred for the wedding, Sun seemed to fade away and clouds seemed to darken, Earth below also seemed to shatter a little... )

If I could have just one wish, I wish to wake up to your snore every single day and fight with you endlessly throughout the day... 

I Love you Bujji Bangaari without boundaries, for the all the emotions ( anger, irritation, frustration ) I never knew I had...  ( and I still wonder, why did I spend so much on my wedding? ) 

The chosen...

ಗೆಳತಿ, ನಿನಗಾಗಿ ಬರೆಯಬಲ್ಲೆ ಒಂದು ಕವನ
ನೆನೆಯುತ್ತಾ ನಾವ್ಕಲೆದ ಎಸ್ಟೊಂದು ಸಂತಸದ ಹೊತ್ತನ್ನ
ಆದರೆ ಸಮಯ ಎಂತಹ ಕೆಟ್ಟ ವ್ಯಸನ
ಕೊಂದೆಬಿಟ್ಟಿದೆ ಆ ಗಳಿಗೆ ಹ್ಹಾಗೂ ಆ ಗಡಿಯಾರವನ್ನ!!

The story behind those smoke buds...

A I tried to reach the sky with bear hands, 
the earth below pushed me up 
and the trees either side mocked at me and laughed out loud...

Inside me I took a turn, literally
waking up from underneath the ashes of smoke buds. 
No one knows the uncontrollable tears, shouting quietly, 
screaming, yapping, yelling, the fighting within oneself, 
a story which the tears carried.  
Sleeping on in the morning was tiring, 
because I would be up all night afraid of my own dreams. 
With this state of mind, everything tells you a story.
No one observed me as I emptied the ... never mind. Many of my cousins/family read my blogs.

The monster within cries, how can someone be truly free?
 As I burn down to ashes, I liberate myself and dance my way out with the joy of freedom. 
The wind, it held me high and carried me away. 
With me I held a lot of secrets, a bundle of agony, a huge pain, but no soul could hear me scream.
I was alone with no one to hold my hand. 
The night, the sky, the people, the guilt, the harshness, I was part of all these. 
I screamed, I shouted, but yet nobody was there to listen to me.
I filled up the sky, watched people die, poisoned the soil and pumped toxins into the air.
I became a source to give away my guilt, to get punished, but I ended up being the raven once again. I am destroying myself. 

Clear non-sense!! I don't know what I am writing. Waiting for someone to pick you up from work as you are sick could do this to you. They say you are what you eat, but don't remember eating a huge disappointment. Did I?? Anytime?? naaah!

Bye for now :) Feels like eating ice-cream! 

The magic of - Maya!

Sangamitra express - 12295
 26-11-2014 - 9:30 A.M, Bangalore
My stomach was on an unusual strike and I wasn't feeling good.  Dragged myself till the train, somehow, and finally sat comfortably, telling myself, 'You okie, You okie!'.
The train touched four different states, Karnataka, Tamil Nadu, Andra Pradesh and Maharastra, finally. We(Me, Mamatha, Gowdru, Bujji, Pavvi) weren't upset about this at all (Sarcasm). We had fun, shared a lot of good moments, ate throughout the journey and saw many new things( including the rest room of the train :P). Also saw a beautiful bunch of birds flying together and making some interesting art while they flew making the bright soothing setting Sun to console.

The night was inky black,
The stars were out to play,
The wind picked up the rhythm of night!
How strange, the World that saw the fiercest battles, stayed calm!

27-11-2014 - 5:40 A.M, Chandrapur railway station.
We hurriedly packed our baggage and got down at the Chandrapur railway station.  After settling inside the waiting lounge , so clean that I could see myself on the mirror-shining and sparkling floor, we waited for Raghu- from the inquisitive explorer, to pick us to the resort.
As I sat on the bench alongside the railway track, keeping my ears busy with music, my eyes caught sight of a huge family( I presume) of street dancers walking from the rear end. They looked shabby and carried huge luggage which equipped their living.

They are weak, they say,
nothing special nor new,
Their abilities are far from few,
But little do they know,
their abilities are from the belief in their potential.
When a blind can hit a target with an arrow,
he can do whatever he wants.
So is each one of us! 

While I kept thinking all this, time just flew and soon it was 11:00 AM. We were escorted by raghu to the resort.

Wait a minute, how can I forget, "The tripod". Gowdru, during our journey in train, boasted off! - "I have a tripod, I will shoot stars in time-lapse". But The tripod liked the train journey so much that, it did not want to join Gowdru. He forgot his tripod in the train, which by now has seen a time-lapse of around 10 days :P

After a series of stupid questions to Raghav during the travel from rialway station to the resort, we freshened and after lunch, we were ready with our gears, for the first ever safari, I would experience.

The forest was thick, green and dry. It resembled truly me!
It was dim and bright, colorful flowers immersed in greenish leaves waved in the wind of thoughts.
Shadows resembled memories, which appear and disappear in a splash.  As we speeded through the jungle, I danced as the breeze of time played.

Possessed in me is the beauty, mildness, fitfulness, wildness, sadness and terror of the jungle. ( :P )

The Sun sparkled golden light every where as it said good-bye  to us and we returned with just spotting the pug marks and listening to the never ending drooling stories from Raghav.

28-11-2014 - Morning : Two safaris and yet no sight of the beast, but the wait for the next safari and stories from the dining hall from other visitors and hummmm the drooling stories yet again from Raghav.

28-11-2014 - Evening : Re-telecast of the episode from morning! But with a different seating arrangement to win the evil gods :P

29-11-2014 :  Something told me it was today. Something inside yapped continuously it is very close to you, I could hear it whisper. Morning safari, was  a failure with respect to spotting, but always a different mood to watch the jungle. It looked new every-time I entered the jungle, so much to learn, so much to observe and so much to get inspired. 

And the climax:
After lunch, the evening safari with some changes in the seating positions in the gipsy. The first one and a half hour was nothing but the jungle with some calls here and there from Sambar and barking deer (like in earlier safaris too) which I sort of was used to ignoring.

I asked the setting Sun about you,
asked the breeze, the twigs, the birds, the monkeys and the mud about you,
Dear love, without seeing you , I am relentlessly praying for the slightest sight of you.
Just once! only once!

At Pandarpouni : 5:30 P.M 
I was yawning when Ismail shouted, "Tiger! Tiger!". I pinched myself to realize it wasn't a dream. There she was from behind the trees on the adjoining parallel road walking like a beauty of terror.
Ravi speed-ed towards her so fast, the the second blink of my eye I was there right before her.
She looked like an angel, walking calmly alongside many gipsy's carrying visitors who were trying to shoot her in burst mode.

For a minute she walked towards the jungle from the road, I felt she was angry with us. She looked at the jungle, looked at the gipsys, heard my voice and walked back towards me. It felt as though she was listening to me talk and whisper to her.   Of all the gipsys she chose the gipsy we rode and showed her every angle for almost close to 20 minutes.
All the did was observe and make an attempt to look into her eyes.

In my life of darkeness, dullness and distress
came like a lightning - MAYA, the beauty, so adorable.
She appeared before me like a goddess,
in those moments of despair and disappointment. 
Amidst those gipsys, when she walked gracefully towards me,
a meaningless void stuck me, which shook my arms and limbs.
As I try to gaze into her extremely beautiful eyes,
the stares into my eyes you gave, are one of the biggest treasures I hold.
Kiss me from your lips,  so that I become all yours,
I would love to be all those million pieces scattered all over the place,
over your sacred life - Dear Maya.
Please don't wake me up from this dream I am living, please don't!

Binocs, gipsy, and a Tigress to look at, and a chocolate to celebrate with friends, a perfect Saturday evening :)

The rest of the story at Tadoba ....... never mind! Who cares!

The train was supposed to arrive at chandrapur at 9:00 PM on 30th. It arrived at 2:30 PM. But the sleep on the platform balanced this wait for me, but Mamta waited like an owl, watching all of us sleep.

As we settled in the train we slept. The next day morning was fresh and satisfying. The journey back was filled with a lot of memories from my trip. As I happened to look back at everything, I was stuck by the sight of a little sister and her brother in the same compartment of out seats. While their mother slept on the berth, they managed to settle in the corner of that berth. The brother so loving and caring and the sister so adorable and cute. While they shared their eateries  and spent time gazing at the window, it reminded me of my loving brother who must be busy sleeping and loitering. But yet he is the biggest gifts I have in my life. Love ya brother.

The blog becomes incomplete without Thanking all my friends who have supported me and bared my nonsense during the trip :P
Without failing to mention, darling Mamata. Thankyou so so much for all the care and warmth. I still say, there is lots one can learn from every five minutes of time spent with you. Thankyou for being there.

Voila! Whata  trip! Whata sighting! :)

A gleaming candle - A dream so true to be REAL!

You are the one that I stay up all night thinking about, the cute things and surprises that you make happen. Damn! What magic have you spilled around me?
Lifeless was my life, to feel the glow it needed your touch.  You changed everything around with a mere touch. Powerful, oh so powerful!

That evening, my phone rang, "come down!", his voice re-vibrated the air around me penetrating through my room window. I gushed down with glee! But wait a minute, it was raining! What a jerk he is. He is all wet.

The excitement did not let any one of us down. May be we were enjoying this little excuse. I plunged on to his back seat and held him so tight like the peel holding the seeds of a pomegranate.Cuddled behind him, his scent brushed my nose as I dug my face into his chest-turned-around. Stopping here and there seeking shelter from the fury of rain drops, I finally reached his place.

"Hush,Hush!!" and I silently entered the house, not my usual behavior though.
"Idiot! You are dreaming. Just shut-up and dream!" my voice cried to myself.
My closed eye lids opened to bunch of beautiful red roses. He was restless, excited, crazy, confused, nervous, all drenched in rain and his eyes twinkled with love.

He said "Shh! close your eyes", before I could say something, and ran into his room kicking the floor backward and "dhadhaaaar!!" shut his door. Phew! The clock continued to do its job.

The wait was finally over- but still the clock continued to tick. I so wish it stopped this moment. I so badly wished.

He had lit a beautiful candle and arranged rose petals around it. Peace was the candle in that darkest hour. When there is nothing and no-one, there will be Silence. But with both of us, Silence still roared inside the room.  My words floated around his ears and never dared to enter them. We were not bored of looking at each other.

The day I met you, I was lonely, confused and depressed. I felt very bad towards myself. You opened my eyes to an unknown beautiful world and showed how beautiful life can be. Being with you today, I can't ask for anything more.

I love you!

There are a lot of things not correct with me, you must understand this. I have a lot of things to confess and a lot of things to set right. Please do not come to life, before I set them right.  As I moved away from you, I fell into a deep dark pit. The darkness told a lot of stories. The darkness was winning over me and I was losing myself to it. Looking down, I could see only one thing, Darkness as far as it goes, not even a blink. Then, like a hope of light, I see you up above the sky, like a star, leaning and looking at me. Before I stretched my arms to reach you, you turned yourself around and moved away.

I cried endlessly.

At-last, broke the barriers, and woke up for a fresh start, early in the morning. Thanks Sun and the beaming rays for it. An angel must have eavesdropped in my dreams and made those true.
Winged- Born to fly - you still make me realize every morning I get up! 

When people thought I went missing....

Fearing my dreams I ran away from my sleep, my pinching heart threw my pain in tears. I needed to bounce back. I have to bring order to chaos somehow, bring sanity back to my life.

Cananoor,  SeaShell beach resort. Three days to ease my trauma.
Through tears of ocean, Smile begins to shine on my face. 
Will you bring me back?
Will you,When I am on the verge of leaving this world? I asked.
 I was grieving, like the song of a shedding flower.  The sea gracefully took it all out of me.  Burning, shining rough waves pulling you closer with its wide open arms.
I found my happiness back, which I had sold.

As the rain drops fell on my face, the chit-a-pata on the roof, as everything turned green,  heavens cried along with me and tears brought joy. I wanted to LIVE. I discovered a new ME, my soul came alive, when I danced in rain to the music of the gushing sea.  Like the forgone waves, my pain was gone!

I sat by the balcony viewing the huge, gigantic, never ending sea, warming my hands with a tea cup, one by one the drops glided down the roof,  the ocean calls out  in soft whispers, a sound no one can hear, a promise to take out all my pain and a promise of peace.

I wake up everyday, in the most pleasant way, drowning in love, and find a door which opens up to the wonders of nature.  Chirping birds, land through the tides, ocean and serene sand and escape into the clouds to the land of dreams.

Another beautiful sun-set was waiting for me.  As the light from above faded slowly, I left behind the life I once knew. The vibrant colors of THE beautiful ever sun-set I ever saw faded and the night grew darker, I was lost at sea in a cold and lonely dark...To accept, to welcome To embrace the peace.
But I can still make out his dark manly tides in the pale moonlight.

I was alive.

To my guardian angel,
In those tides, scented breeze,  in the distant stars, YOU ARE. You are in my warm smile, in the child in my tears, in those dark fearful moments of night, the birds that fly. You are closest to me now.  Brimming with care you always hold my hand.  You prepare me to fly and cherish seeing me fly.  Before you entered my life, it was UNKNOWN, did I tell you, now that you are with me, the walk is so easy.

When I thought I had lost,
He was taking it away for me to move on.
When I thought I had given up,
He came in and told me to grow strong not old.
Had I won a thing not to be mine?
I could never lose what I never had.
I could find it now, I told myself.

--- come live with me, I will open my wings and catch the stars.

Hiding in the woods...Oneday!

I am just going to say it, say it again... I was messed up! Nothing seemed alright. Did I mention nothing?
That's when I got the brilliant idea to retire. I wanted to retire at the age of.. ooh some age!  I had not enough savings to live for even a week while I attempted to execute the retirement stunt.  So quite naturally the stunt was harder than it sounded on paper. The retirement would have to wait , in the mean time, I needed a job… 

While I waited for a million dollar job offer to dawn on me, hopefully,  it was time for something new in life. A trip probably....

Was bored looking out of a fancy looking window yet again, it should be someplace AWAY.. lost in the woods, living the life of wild and birds. "Screw the system and get there buddy!! " a voice from within screamed at me.

Headed off in a new direction for approximately 8 hours. Fallen leaves from trees spread over the road. It was a long night and left alone as the Sun fainted. Everything was so dark and I was scared.. But there was a hand gently confronting me and silently telling everything was fine.  I wasn't walking alone anymore .. pulled over finally at the destined tree top house after a roller coaster ride on roads which were just named roads and didn't look like one.


Loved the house. Loved the lifestyle. It’s innovative, creative, ecological, green and unobtrusive. Most of all, it BEAUTIFUL and PLEASING to the eye! ! !

My world was renewed! 

 Sometimes life veers off in directions that you’re not expecting. That was my story for the next one day.   Some exciting and profound things transpired, while the tree-house was left hanging in the balance and an added madness. After settling in, I was in the lap of luxury.  When the morning Sun rays tapped ma cheeks, I said hello to so many birds which flew around the place chirping on their daily routine.

Personal favorite music, sleeping under the stars, spotting deers, peacocks, elephants, darkness, dreadful silence, campfire, and pathetic food. I could compromise on the food for the rest of them... I kept surprising myself while I went out and did things I had dreamed of...

Free as a bird…That’s what was missing in my life!

Throughout my journey there was a power that provided me with a steadfast example of ingenuity, self-belief, and incredible will power. I could never have accomplished any of this without him... 

when I became a kid...

My heart had been laying empty for days
you came as a warming tide - filling the empty spaces.
Priceless were the moments when I lay in your lap.
Sadly, this time will be gone, will be gone in sometime.
How nice it would be if the time froze.
The colorful walls of my cage were broken,
and my broken heart was healed.
My open heart felt victorious and yet utterly defeated.
I found my world in your lap,
a world that put me to sleep of peace and love.
Dancing night and passing wind were jealous
as you tenderly and sweetly held my chubby cheeks
You brushed away all my horrible thoughts
ensuring that I can have my sound sleep,
So I wont have any bad thought.
There is a part of mine which always grieves,
but with your arms on my forehead, my whole soul was at peace,
free from all stresses of the human life.
With words without lips, you silently whispered,
"I am always there".
I felt you were sent to me from heavens above
to keep me safe as you watched over me.
Without the least idea what is our destination
I confess to you baby, I love you!
As years slip by, the boundless joy you gave me has left a mark, 
a reminder of this time,
FOREVER.

wondering when my life begins....

Like Rapunzel in Tangled, I always wonder when my life will actually begin. Most of the time I find myself , at war with self. But why? Don't I know what I want from my life? Do I really do not know how to make decisions?? Do I fall for everything?? Do I expect always people to lift me up? Brushing off my dust?? Do I?

The story of my life.

While I lived a life, somehow, I seemed, searching for one.
Everyday when I woke up, my mornings opened to me a world where I was lost.
I was broken inside and my dreams were my reality.
Chasing clouds, talking trees, friendly toys, a sad soul,
twinkling stars, hissing coffee machine, books ,
painful memories from my lost past,
the orange Sun which always ended in a dark night
... and my tears which the rain refused to take away,
so warm on the outside but so cold on the inside.
All that I have lived so far is a dream, and I guess I will continue to.
Been through enough,
Want to leave, leave and go far far away
where I don't miss my praying Grandmother and start all over again
But, I watch the time pass quietly.
Every right is wrong, but I shall still try to find when my life begins.
Whatever it is,  but pain has taught me the value of laughter.
All sorts of solutions are available to me. Yes.
.... And that concludes the story of my life.

I am a champion. I tell myself with a gleeful delight every morning.  I want to go from zero to being a hero, hear that sound from within,"Be the heroine of your life and not the victim!" Someday.

PS : The story also includes, "Over worked, under paid!"

Tiny innocent hands of hunger in garbage...

My soul wept a deep song of pain ;
Neither the evening wind behind the trees
nor the wonderful company I was with could heel the pain.
My heart darkened and tears shattered
when I saw two little young boys
digging a filthy garbage to feed their hunger,
compromising their honor just to stay alive.
I looked them over from a distance, one by one,
as they continued searching, picking and eating from the garbage.
Past my emotions the sight shot deeper
withering my will to survive and move on.
I walked up to them and told them it was wrong,
"We can't starve! It's painful." is what they said,
which cut deep my wounds and bled pain,
With their mud-gloved fingers,
the two boys cling ed on to the cash I offered.
With jaws opened and teeth clacked against teeth, they smiled,
and ran away bare foot leaving me alone.
Standing still watching them run away,
hugged by the air that cried and laughed
with emptiness running down my mind, I felt,
I never have been so alive.
I never have been so dead.
and my hunger flee......

Blind towards visually challenged...

"Why do they discriminate us? Why do they think we are the living-dead folks of the society? Why do they not consider us worthy? " asked my frustrated, visually challenged friends. And their concern was very very real. I remained quiet. My silence was just another word for my pain. I was in pain. I was in pain listening to their stories. I was in pain listening to what they had gone through. These questions ripped me apart from inside.

Every soul behind those light-less eyes has a story to say. A story which talks so much about us, the so called "normal people". A story so touching and filled with so much pain and restlessness, so much agony and frustration, so much anger and depression. Every story has millions of shattered dreams and scattered rays of hope. And the only possible reason behind every shattered dream is one of us, a normal person who has the luxury to see things, that's all. There is not another damn thing which can differentiate us from a visually challenged person.

I was shocked to know that visually challenged were hit by social crisis according to a study. The number of visually challenged getting help from councils has dropped by over 40% in six years. This is absolutely unacceptable. Sigh! Tough times.

Fighting against all odds, starting from waking up every morning to this cruel world, to becoming graduates, they gather all the available strength within them to lead a normal life. They understand very deeply that the ultimate value of life depends upon the power of contemplation rather than mere survival. Their disability wouldn't stop them from doing anything, they don't mourn about it. They bring joy all around, they still can skip, jump and hop. Their attitude is like a breathe of sun-shine everyday.

But they get bogged down severely by this society and their discriminating treatment. They get frustrated when some understanding pair of eyes are shut against their ability and desire to be treated like any other normal person."We die and survive everyday!" they cry out! What was the country before and what is it now?! How long can they hold on to what's in their head, how long before their heart speaks for them. It's a mean mean world.

The world we live moves in such a fast pace. But let us slow down for a moment and take a hard look at these lovely people's lives. I bet you will encounter such wonderment and amusement in every person's ability, that it will stay in your memory with you forever. We must treat them as normal people who mere can't see, but have a vision. Let us open our eyes which are stuck in darkness, open them towards an inclusive society where every person is respected for his abilities and not disabilities.We will try and do everything humanely possible and spread love around.
God created everyone alive on this earth. For him, all are exactly the same worth.
We must try and remove the thorns in their path and support them rather than becoming thorns ourselves.

My grandma's treasure box

Of-late, I have been feeling like a fish caught in a treacherous net caused by large impact events, such as, the asteroid that may have led to the end of dinosaurs.
But then, I decided to take time-out today and relax a little and let my tired soul rejuvenate. 


I thought of my cheerful Grand mother.

She was a winner everyday, a person who smiled the most. The rewards she earned lasted long. The people who encountered her won't be able to help but smile back. She was a voice of energy, encouragement, inspiration and hope. She always lifted my soul towards right path. She showed me new ways of giving and best ways of living.



I opened THE tiny treasure box (toy suit-case) which she had given me. The treasure box - I am crazed, fascinated and joyful of the treasure that lie in it. It opened to me, the World I lived with her. Sigh! It had a collection of old 5paise, 10paise and 20paise coins. Holding them in my hands today, I could feel her rough fingers, which handed these coins into my tiny arms decades ago. Time, how restlessly it speeds. These are the things which matter the most to me whether in the day or in the night. Into this tiny treasure box of mine, I have placed my precious heart and the rest I have filled with the beautiful memories I have had with her.
Dear beloved Grandma,
Give me the strength to continue my journey, to be joyous in my life and create memories for those remaining. You are the greatest treasure truly from the heavens above, made of selfless love. You always inspire me in every single thing I do, as trivial as the breath I breathe.

My heart is still weeping knowing there is no returning.

-Your loving grand daughter.

till our next embrace...farewell my friend.

Heavy rains lashed Bangalore on Friday, 19th of July 2013.
There was a heavy storm lashing inside my heart too. You were leaving.

Now that you are  gone...

The cinema halls we had been to, played sad movies,
The restaurants we dined, served dull food,( not pleasant spicy )
The sea gushed out with pain,
The empty road bore a dead sight,
The ice-cream parlors melted away in sadness,
The sky seemed empty and lifeless,
The moon hid behind the clouds unable to see the parting,
The stars stopped twinkling,
The cigarettes burnt away themselves,
The Sun forgot to shine and
The empty beer glasses shed a tear.

Miss your strong arms around me, your words of comfort, your company. You always made me the person who I wanted to be instead of the person I am.
My failing heart cries with pain and end up in a faded mouth that cannot smile and may not laugh again.
Now that we part, all I am left with is a dairy milk wrapper, a five-star, a match box, some sea shells, photos, movie tickets, couple of tooth-picks, a jacket, parking coupons, coins, bills, a t-shirt and loads and loads of memories between us, the tears and laughters we shared, which will stay with me forever.
I just dint think that someone like you would hang out with someone like me.
But its unfair to have you so far now...

I say with pleasure and pain, with tears of joy and sorrow,
Farewell my friend.
Let sunshine and shower be with you.
I love everything about you because it is YOU!
I always have and I always will :)

when I almost got married...

He walks with a cane in his hand,
with energy sufficient enough to conquer the world.
his gleaming,dazzling eyes of darkness see it all,
even the stories the eyes of light could never imagine
my wondering heart questioned me,
how would it feel to not able to see what is on your plate,
but then I answered it,
the eyes of light are always stuck in an ignorance bliss and see nothing,
he can go where no one else can go,
he amazes me every-time I meet him,
like a mad woman laughing at the rain,
be it with the striking memory power,
or giving me directions on road,
My eyes which know the darkness in my heart,
are soothed beneath his loving eyes and helping hands.

Raju and his missed call..

My life has been interesting and quite unpredictable. It has been good and bad to most of me.
While I chatted with a friend last evening, I suddenly remembered the name "Raju".
Raju was my first ever internet unknown boy friend.

School days!
Summer vacations, getting your back-pack ready to move on to the next grade, meeting old friends, tonnes of homework, study, study study!!  Early morning coffee while your grandma cleaned the house,
Sunday evening movie time, Cartoon time, fight with siblings over a silly video game "game over", no late hangouts,  on the streets of my home-town, could find many faces which used to scream ,"Hey, thats's Poornima"!, cycling to school, waiting for the next summer to come, meet new friends - NEW ONES!

I was a timid, quite and extremely shy girl. Treated talking to boys offensively. Even avoided going to a petty shop to buy toffees if there were any men. Silly!

But then things change you see. I was introduced to the internet culture by a dear friend.
And once, the computer popped ,"Raju has sent you a request on Yahoo chat!". I did not know what to do, and I accepted. Then, we started chatting, emailing and sharing minute details in each others lives. He seemed to be a nice guy.


Sitting in front of the computer, I eagerly waited for his e-mails or him to be online. My days brightened up when I heard from him. Though I never saw him, never met him, I knew whatever he said came from his heart. I used to picture him by the way I thought of him. I had enough freedom to do so.

We decided we will talk over the phone. I couldn't say no.Those days we did not have mobile phones. I shared my land-line number with him. We lived in a duplex house with a decent level of luxury. We had two land line phones, parallel connection, one in the living room and one in the master bed-room.  

But I was scared about my parents knowing about the phone call if they happen to pick. They wouldn't like guys asking for me. I thought I made a mistake sharing my contact number.

But then, he wrote to me, "Poorni!", that's what he used to call me, " I will call you every Saturday afternoon around 2:30. I shall first give you a blank call to prepare you to pick the next immediate call which would be me." I was super-excited.

It was an ever thrilling Saturday. I seemed restless since I woke up. Came back from school, threw away my back-pack, changed into my casuals and sat on the sofa close to the phone by 2:00. I lifted the receiver of the phone and told myself "Its working!!". I did that twice or thrice. It was a long wait. And finally, the phone rang. I wanted to jump in the air. But with my folks around, I tried acting as normal as I could. 

He spoke with kindness,love and wisdom. He was humorous. Only he spoke! I was just, hummm, hummm, hummm, okie, yeah, right, no!
Nobody had ever spoken to me like the way he did.

So this continued for a couple of weeks. Saturdays became my favorite. They shone brightly. I enjoyed his pampering and attention.

But not long!

My mom had carefully observed the behavioral changes in me, every Saturday afternoon. She wondered what I was up-to. She set her detective mode on. This time while I was on the call, she slowly walked upstairs, and picked-up the phone from the master bed room and heard me talking to a guy. I hung-up the receiver when I heard her breathing heavily with anger.
Like this, I was caught!! And I observed a grave momentary silence..... 

I was given a very strong warning to stop all this right away, by my parents. I stopped! Stopped e-mailing, stopped chatting , stopped picking his calls. After whatever happened it’s only logical that I maintain a stony silence. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
At some point you have to let it go, you can't make everyone stay with you.

After this incident, every-time the phone rang Saturday afternoons, it stroke a round of anxiety and a sort of commotion started to make me feel nervous. I feared. The feeling, calmed down eventually and nullified when we relocated.

Sipping my morning coffee, today, I searched  for "Raju" from my facebook account, with a little hope to find him after around 8 years. I finished my coffee and the effort to find him. I knew it was impossible but still I tried. But his memories are as fresh as the month of May. 

..can't erase his memories from my mind and I am sorry my friend, if I made you mad.

the WISH I threw in a well....

Genuine, deep delight of life is all I asked for me,
the selfish WISH I threw into a well.
It was crazy, a stare of a pair of glowing eyes touched me,
he walked into my life and the WISH was fulfilled.
To make some changes in my life, he pushed-over,
it was trickier than I thought, far from easy!
Culture of MY current world was my own extension,
he understood my natural tendency to go back from where I came.
Always, my sad past came back to me,
good, happier times spent with him were my remedy.
I refused to believe how much I loved him
till my eyes shred a zillion tears - selfish pain, knowing he will be gone.
I wish I dint know about the parting
it cuts through deep inside me,
My soul tremors at this thought as the clock ticks,
I will be left as a flower without a butterfly with colorful wings,
the sky without the bright burning Sun,
You will be missed like the sea misses the sea-shore,
like the birds miss the trees,
You will be gone and I will miss a piece of ME,
I shut my mind and close my eyes,
You appear as a smirk at the end of my lips,
You will always be loved from all my heart.
Good-byes are tough to say,
And a sad ending to the (un)fulfilled soulful WISH.

You will be missed and loved - always.

coffee (in a CERAMIC cup ) with laxmi...

One night, I sat on my apartment terrace, on the hard stairs looking at the sky decorated with stars and gorgeous lightening now and then. The wind rushed into me, grabbing me, hugging me and pampering me. I  started thinking about the day. I thought about so many things. Thoughts lined up my mind like a disciplined line of ants. They kept coming.

I thought mainly about my grandma. It was her anniversary. I thanked her for many lovely moments I spent with her. Remembered, the sweets she secured for me, the early morning coffee breaks, the lovely kolam, the tasty curry, remembered her advices, the evening walks, the "one rupee" she used to give me to buy a toffee which I would merrily celebrate and many many more such memories.
 "You will always remain my super-star grandma!" Love you! Miss you :(

I thought about a friend who wouldn't hesitate to hold my arms when I am in pain. Missed him.
I thought about the crazy drive to work that day. I thought about the burnt eggs. A problem which I am trying to fix since ages - oh my! how can I not think about that. The pretty girl walking along-side the road grabbing her mom's hand firmly. She was so adorable. The vegetable market. The forgotten pant belt, a call from a friend.

I blushingly smiled when I thought about Bane quitting smoking cause I asked him to. "Please stop it!" I told him. Remembered a colleague of mine quoting " Bane dint quit smoking when his mom asked him to, but, he did when someone special has asked him to!". I dint stop blushing since then. Its too good to be a true fact. He has quit but certainly not cause I told. Duuh! Let me think, for now, may be because I told. It feels good this way.

I thought about the huge snake I saw which was crossing the road while I drove. Terrifying!
Thought about tobacco - not sure why,about tomatoes, about stars, about Ajith, about trees, about death, about life, about birds, watchman, cricket, David Beckham and his hair-styles, about pointers, about the car dent, about The Cheshire Cat in the novel Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, thought about debts.

The thoughts kept flowing until I reached this particular one,

Offering coffee to my maid - Laxmi in a ceramic cup and not in the usual isolated steel cup which she held in her tiny cold arms. She lifted her timid eyes and smiled. She held a tear drop in her eyes and an unforgettable thankful smile in her lips. Thank you Laxmi for all the help :)

Often we remain so involved and busy with our day to day life that we become selfishly mean. Today, I learned, I am worrying about so many things in my life,or rather, I am cribbing about so many things which aren't right. And have forgotten that my life is like a mirror. I smile at it, and for sure, it smiles back at me. It can transform the unbearable tears into something bearable. SMILE! 

There was an energetic expansive feeling in the air encouraging me to take the leap of faith. This felt foreign to me while I climbed down the stairs and reached my bed, but I guess it's time to embrace it. "You have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." I told myself.

and cuddled to sleep warmly...!

alive ;but my world is half asleep.....

Today when I open my eyes, I wondered if I had, for it was just as dark as with them shut. No one was anywhere near to me. I could see nothing hear nothing feel nothing. Just imagine my fright!

Little did I know about the things waiting to happen with me.
Little did I know the pain I was targeted for.

I had realized all I wanted in my life was contentment. I had changed myself rather than changing the world around. It was easier.I was about to set free, like an open high-way but soon I realized it cannot be done. I had lost the key to sanity in a totally insane World of mine.
 

When I asked myself the big question "is that okay?" always I dangled between yes and no. Never could I affirm one of the options.

I am so dead. I can't hide what has come.Things just feel so wrong. I will repent every passing day now.This is torture,pain. You are everything that I want. always know, I love you :(

The life you have given is a gift, I shall cherish whatever I get. I will go through all the pain till it burns me down. After all its not like I am dead.
Bring it on! All the pain, but quickly, I have my life to live yet, the best way.
The pain I feel today will grow into tomorrow's strength. There's more to see and more to do. Sob sob!

the MOUNTAIN DEW hi-five!

At the beginning of my story I have to mention, the joy you bring to my life is immeasurable. If happiness gets naughty, its you, my perfect friend.

The best moment I lived....

Someplace!
The sparkled white grains of sand, and the huge blue sea stood before my eyes. Such a joy to see the waves crash to the shore and listen to the music of waves. One can feel its strength and power rejuvenating your inner self.

"Why settle for white sand when you can have a little color?" He held my arms and walked me through the tender soft waves, my eye-brows frowned and my foot stumbled.

As the sea breaks and claws the terrorist waves, my soul crept "take air away from me but I wouldn't want to get inside these waves". Every-time a wave hit me, a shatter went through my back. I hated him so much for doing so.

But he filled in me, the courage. The courage let everything in me sink, like the sea. The fear, even the turbulent fear of the crashing sea... in me everything sank.

And , the best part : we lay dead on the shore, bearing the sole, relentless tender waves hitting your mind, body and soul - head to toe. My thoughts slipped to silence one by one and the turbulence inside me had calmed down.As I wide opened my eyes against the burning orange Sun, they rose to the limitless, heavenly ever-blue, sky with wandering white clouds. I wondered where it started and where it ended. I turned towards my left, I saw the white foamy waves dancing along-side under my wide opened arms and my ears soothed to the jazz of waves. I felt strong enough to conquer human race.


and the caged bird sang of freedom!

Are you lost?
Keep looking up.You might not find answers for everything, but then you wouldn't feel lost anymore.

A journey ; like a nice masala tea!

Hey there!
A sneak-peak at how the star - namely me, did only things that are right to to the planet... #naah... right to my nervous system. And, a force - another star; waking me up constantly from drifting into darkness and adding some STUPID to the JOURNEY. A friend for a life time: like the rain-bow after a hurricane.
 
I was having a nice day... and  then I remembered it was Monday! Now where'd the weekend go?
But I managed to make it up for the weekend.

Journey to a place - UNKNOWN 

The radio blared as my "chocolate" raced down the narrow two-lane interstate. The sun, high in the sky, burned bright yellow and the light was scattered throughout the car. On either side of the interstate sat miles and miles of thick jungle, full of huge trees, with withered leaves, which the summer wind had carried with it, and tiny bushes scattered around making room for the wild animals to hide themselves. The lush green tea plants uphill mixed with the moist climate, made the color green more pleasant to our eyes. Tiny water drops kissed the leaves which the trees held. The jungle also opened the stage for the lovely birds to sing, dance and rejoice.

I felt like a bird, flying up in the sky, sensing the freedom, resting on the tree I liked, and doing everything I wanted to do. Crazy things I tell you. Taking a stroll down my memory lane and thinking about a lot of things which weren't right. I told myself DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

I was having a nice time. A time of my own. Pleasant, soothing, adventurous , fun-filled and exciting with a sweetheart who cannot get mad at me for anything. I guess! I am sure he had a tough time. Everything about the trip was just perfect, but, the camera. Sigh! Yeah I forgot!  I had never missed something so badly in my life.

Also would like to include a piece in my blog about the hotel "salt and pepper!". We barged into the restaurant, looked through the menu, placed the order and waited. Quite usual! But the twist, we told them, "we have some shopping to do and be right back in 15 minutes and also we were in hurry and asked them keep the food ready by then!". And we did not return. Accept our apologies. 

Everything I wanted to know about my life were too afraid to ask me. As he rightly says, "Who wants to live a life of necessity?". Couldn't understand how this could affect my "real life". But it did.

During my child-hood , while playing any game with my friends, most of the time I used to get myself out for my friends. My darling grandma used to warn me.  "Play the game for yourself and not for others!" she used to say. I used to snub her. But now I know why she said so.

Peering through the window I asked myself a question, not for the first time, with tears almost reaching my lips,
You gave me life, now show me how to live?!
You know even I wanna LIVE and not just SURVIVE..... and then the Noah’s-Ark-heavy, torrential rain roared down!