Friday, December 27, 2013

wondering when my life begins....

Like Rapunzel in Tangled, I always wonder when my life will actually begin. Most of the time I find myself , at war with self. But why? Don't I know what I want from my life? Do I really do not know how to make decisions?? Do I fall for everything?? Do I expect always people to lift me up? Brushing off my dust?? Do I?

The story of my life.

While I lived a life, somehow, I seemed, searching for one.
Everyday when I woke up, my mornings opened to me a world where I was lost.
I was broken inside and my dreams were my reality.
Chasing clouds, talking trees, friendly toys, a sad soul,
twinkling stars, hissing coffee machine, books ,
painful memories from my lost past,
the orange Sun which always ended in a dark night
... and my tears which the rain refused to take away,
so warm on the outside but so cold on the inside.
All that I have lived so far is a dream, and I guess I will continue to.
Been through enough,
Want to leave, leave and go far far away
where I don't miss my praying Grandmother and start all over again
But, I watch the time pass quietly.
Every right is wrong, but I shall still try to find when my life begins.
Whatever it is,  but pain has taught me the value of laughter.
All sorts of solutions are available to me. Yes.
.... And that concludes the story of my life.

I am a champion. I tell myself with a gleeful delight every morning.  I want to go from zero to being a hero, hear that sound from within,"Be the heroine of your life and not the victim!" Someday.

PS : The story also includes, "Over worked, under paid!"

Monday, October 14, 2013

Tiny innocent hands of hunger in garbage...



My soul wept a deep song of pain ;
Neither the evening wind behind the trees
nor the wonderful company I was with could heel the pain.
My heart darkened and tears shattered
when I saw two little young boys
digging a filthy garbage to feed their hunger,
compromising their honor just to stay alive.
I looked them over from a distance, one by one,
as they continued searching, picking and eating from the garbage.
Past my emotions the sight shot deeper
withering my will to survive and move on.
I walked up to them and told them it was wrong,
"We can't starve! It's painful." is what they said,
which cut deep my wounds and bled pain,
With their mud-gloved fingers,
the two boys cling ed on to the cash I offered.
With jaws opened and teeth clacked against teeth, they smiled,
and ran away bare foot leaving me alone.
Standing still watching them run away,
hugged by the air that cried and laughed
with emptiness running down my mind, I felt,
I never have been so alive.
I never have been so dead.

and my hunger flee......




Monday, September 16, 2013

Blind towards visually challenged...

"Why do they discriminate us? Why do they think we are the living-dead folks of the society? Why do they not consider us worthy? " asked my frustrated, visually challenged friends. And their concern was very very real. I remained quiet. My silence was just another word for my pain. I was in pain. I was in pain listening to their stories. I was in pain listening to what they had gone through. These questions ripped me apart from inside.

Every soul behind those light-less eyes has a story to say. A story which talks so much about us, the so called "normal people". A story so touching and filled with so much pain and restlessness, so much agony and frustration, so much anger and depression. Every story has millions of shattered dreams and scattered rays of hope. And the only possible reason behind every shattered dream is one of us, a normal person who has the luxury to see things, that's all. There is not another damn thing which can differentiate us from a visually challenged person.

I was shocked to know that visually challenged were hit by social crisis according to a study. The number of visually challenged getting help from councils has dropped by over 40% in six years. This is absolutely unacceptable. Sigh! Tough times.

Fighting against all odds, starting from waking up every morning to this cruel world, to becoming graduates, they gather all the available strength within them to lead a normal life. They understand very deeply that the ultimate value of life depends upon the power of contemplation rather than mere survival. Their disability wouldn't stop them from doing anything, they don't mourn about it. They bring joy all around, they still can skip, jump and hop. Their attitude is like a breathe of sun-shine everyday.

But they get bogged down severely by this society and their discriminating treatment. They get frustrated when some understanding pair of eyes are shut against their ability and desire to be treated like any other normal person."We die and survive everyday!" they cry out! What was the country before and what is it now?! How long can they hold on to what's in their head, how long before their heart speaks for them. It's a mean mean world.

The world we live moves in such a fast pace. But let us slow down for a moment and take a hard look at these lovely people's lives. I bet you will encounter such wonderment and amusement in every person's ability, that it will stay in your memory with you forever. We must treat them as normal people who mere can't see, but have a vision. Let us open our eyes which are stuck in darkness, open them towards an inclusive society where every person is respected for his abilities and not disabilities.We will try and do everything humanely possible and spread love around.
God created everyone alive on this earth. For him, all are exactly the same worth.
We must try and remove the thorns in their path and support them rather than becoming thorns ourselves.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

My grandma's treasure box

Of-late, I have been feeling like a fish caught in a treacherous net caused by large impact events, such as, the asteroid that may have led to the end of dinosaurs.
But then, I decided to take time-out today and relax a little and let my tired soul rejuvenate. 


I thought of my cheerful Grand mother.

She was a winner everyday, a person who smiled the most. The rewards she earned lasted long. The people who encountered her won't be able to help but smile back. She was a voice of energy, encouragement, inspiration and hope. She always lifted my soul towards right path. She showed me new ways of giving and best ways of living.



I opened THE tiny treasure box (toy suit-case) which she had given me. The treasure box - I am crazed, fascinated and joyful of the treasure that lie in it. It opened to me, the World I lived with her. Sigh! It had a collection of old 5paise, 10paise and 20paise coins. Holding them in my hands today, I could feel her rough fingers, which handed these coins into my tiny arms decades ago. Time, how restlessly it speeds. These are the things which matter the most to me whether in the day or in the night. Into this tiny treasure box of mine, I have placed my precious heart and the rest I have filled with the beautiful memories I have had with her.
Dear beloved Grandma,
Give me the strength to continue my journey, to be joyous in my life and create memories for those remaining. You are the greatest treasure truly from the heavens above, made of selfless love. You always inspire me in every single thing I do, as trivial as the breath I breathe.

My heart is still weeping knowing there is no returning.

-Your loving grand daughter.


Sunday, July 21, 2013

till our next embrace...farewell my friend.

Heavy rains lashed Bangalore on Friday, 19th of July 2013.
There was a heavy storm lashing inside my heart too. You were leaving.

Now that you are  gone...

The cinema halls we had been to, played sad movies,
The restaurants we dined, served dull food,( not pleasant spicy )
The sea gushed out with pain,
The empty road bore a dead sight,
The ice-cream parlors melted away in sadness,
The sky seemed empty and lifeless,
The moon hid behind the clouds unable to see the parting,
The stars stopped twinkling,
The cigarettes burnt away themselves,
The Sun forgot to shine and
The empty beer glasses shed a tear.

Miss your strong arms around me, your words of comfort, your company. You always made me the person who I wanted to be instead of the person I am.
My failing heart cries with pain and end up in a faded mouth that cannot smile and may not laugh again.
Now that we part, all I am left with is a dairy milk wrapper, a five-star, a match box, some sea shells, photos, movie tickets, couple of tooth-picks, a jacket, parking coupons, coins, bills, a t-shirt and loads and loads of memories between us, the tears and laughters we shared, which will stay with me forever.
I just dint think that someone like you would hang out with someone like me.
But its unfair to have you so far now...

I say with pleasure and pain, with tears of joy and sorrow,
Farewell my friend.
Let sunshine and shower be with you.
I love everything about you because it is YOU!
I always have and I always will :)

Saturday, July 20, 2013

when I almost got married...


He walks with a cane in his hand,
with energy sufficient enough to conquer the world.
his gleaming,dazzling eyes of darkness see it all,
even the stories the eyes of light could never imagine
my wondering heart questioned me,
how would it feel to not able to see what is on your plate,
but then I answered it,
the eyes of light are always stuck in an ignorance bliss and see nothing,
he can go where no one else can go,
he amazes me every-time I meet him,
like a mad woman laughing at the rain,
be it with the striking memory power,
or giving me directions on road,
My eyes which know the darkness in my heart,
are soothed beneath his loving eyes and helping hands.



Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Raju and his missed call..


My life has been interesting and quite unpredictable. It has been good and bad to most of me.
While I chatted with a friend last evening, I suddenly remembered the name "Raju".
Raju was my first ever internet unknown boy friend.

School days!
Summer vacations, getting your back-pack ready to move on to the next grade, meeting old friends, tonnes of homework, study, study study!!  Early morning coffee while your grandma cleaned the house,
Sunday evening movie time, Cartoon time, fight with siblings over a silly video game "game over", no late hangouts,  on the streets of my home-town, could find many faces which used to scream ,"Hey, thats's Poornima"!, cycling to school, waiting for the next summer to come, meet new friends - NEW ONES!

I was a timid, quite and extremely shy girl. Treated talking to boys offensively. Even avoided going to a petty shop to buy toffees if there were any men. Silly!

But then things change you see. I was introduced to the internet culture by a dear friend.
And once, the computer popped ,"Raju has sent you a request on Yahoo chat!". I did not know what to do, and I accepted. Then, we started chatting, emailing and sharing minute details in each others lives. He seemed to be a nice guy.


Sitting in front of the computer, I eagerly waited for his e-mails or him to be online. My days brightened up when I heard from him. Though I never saw him, never met him, I knew whatever he said came from his heart. I used to picture him by the way I thought of him. I had enough freedom to do so.

We decided we will talk over the phone. I couldn't say no.Those days we did not have mobile phones. I shared my land-line number with him. We lived in a duplex house with a decent level of luxury. We had two land line phones, parallel connection, one in the living room and one in the master bed-room.  

But I was scared about my parents knowing about the phone call if they happen to pick. They wouldn't like guys asking for me. I thought I made a mistake sharing my contact number.

But then, he wrote to me, "Poorni!", that's what he used to call me, " I will call you every Saturday afternoon around 2:30. I shall first give you a blank call to prepare you to pick the next immediate call which would be me." I was super-excited.

It was an ever thrilling Saturday. I seemed restless since I woke up. Came back from school, threw away my back-pack, changed into my casuals and sat on the sofa close to the phone by 2:00. I lifted the receiver of the phone and told myself "Its working!!". I did that twice or thrice. It was a long wait. And finally, the phone rang. I wanted to jump in the air. But with my folks around, I tried acting as normal as I could. 

He spoke with kindness,love and wisdom. He was humorous. Only he spoke! I was just, hummm, hummm, hummm, okie, yeah, right, no!
Nobody had ever spoken to me like the way he did.

So this continued for a couple of weeks. Saturdays became my favorite. They shone brightly. I enjoyed his pampering and attention.

But not long!

My mom had carefully observed the behavioral changes in me, every Saturday afternoon. She wondered what I was up-to. She set her detective mode on. This time while I was on the call, she slowly walked upstairs, and picked-up the phone from the master bed room and heard me talking to a guy. I hung-up the receiver when I heard her breathing heavily with anger.
Like this, I was caught!! And I observed a grave momentary silence..... 

I was given a very strong warning to stop all this right away, by my parents. I stopped! Stopped e-mailing, stopped chatting , stopped picking his calls. After whatever happened it’s only logical that I maintain a stony silence. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
At some point you have to let it go, you can't make everyone stay with you.

After this incident, every-time the phone rang Saturday afternoons, it stroke a round of anxiety and a sort of commotion started to make me feel nervous. I feared. The feeling, calmed down eventually and nullified when we relocated.

Sipping my morning coffee, today, I searched  for "Raju" from my facebook account, with a little hope to find him after around 8 years. I finished my coffee and the effort to find him. I knew it was impossible but still I tried. But his memories are as fresh as the month of May. 

..can't erase his memories from my mind and I am sorry my friend, if I made you mad.







Thursday, June 13, 2013

the WISH I threw in a well....


Genuine, deep delight of life is all I asked for me,
the selfish WISH I threw into a well.
It was crazy, a stare of a pair of glowing eyes touched me,
he walked into my life and the WISH was fulfilled.
To make some changes in my life, he pushed-over,
it was trickier than I thought, far from easy!
Culture of MY current world was my own extension,
he understood my natural tendency to go back from where I came.
Always, my sad past came back to me,
good, happier times spent with him were my remedy.
I refused to believe how much I loved him
till my eyes shred a zillion tears - selfish pain, knowing he will be gone.
I wish I dint know about the parting
it cuts through deep inside me,
My soul tremors at this thought as the clock ticks,
I will be left as a flower without a butterfly with colorful wings,
the sky without the bright burning Sun,
You will be missed like the sea misses the sea-shore,
like the birds miss the trees,
You will be gone and I will miss a piece of ME,
I shut my mind and close my eyes,
You appear as a smirk at the end of my lips,
You will always be loved from all my heart.
Good-byes are tough to say,
And a sad ending to the (un)fulfilled soulful WISH.

You will be missed and loved - always.







Wednesday, May 29, 2013

coffee (in a CERAMIC cup ) with laxmi...

One night, I sat on my apartment terrace, on the hard stairs looking at the sky decorated with stars and gorgeous lightening now and then. The wind rushed into me, grabbing me, hugging me and pampering me. I  started thinking about the day. I thought about so many things. Thoughts lined up my mind like a disciplined line of ants. They kept coming.

I thought mainly about my grandma. It was her anniversary. I thanked her for many lovely moments I spent with her. Remembered, the sweets she secured for me, the early morning coffee breaks, the lovely kolam, the tasty curry, remembered her advices, the evening walks, the "one rupee" she used to give me to buy a toffee which I would merrily celebrate and many many more such memories.
 "You will always remain my super-star grandma!" Love you! Miss you :(

I thought about a friend who wouldn't hesitate to hold my arms when I am in pain. Missed him.
I thought about the crazy drive to work that day. I thought about the burnt eggs. A problem which I am trying to fix since ages - oh my! how can I not think about that. The pretty girl walking along-side the road grabbing her mom's hand firmly. She was so adorable. The vegetable market. The forgotten pant belt, a call from a friend.

I blushingly smiled when I thought about Bane quitting smoking cause I asked him to. "Please stop it!" I told him. Remembered a colleague of mine quoting " Bane dint quit smoking when his mom asked him to, but, he did when someone special has asked him to!". I dint stop blushing since then. Its too good to be a true fact. He has quit but certainly not cause I told. Duuh! Let me think, for now, may be because I told. It feels good this way.

I thought about the huge snake I saw which was crossing the road while I drove. Terrifying!
Thought about tobacco - not sure why,about tomatoes, about stars, about Ajith, about trees, about death, about life, about birds, watchman, cricket, David Beckham and his hair-styles, about pointers, about the car dent, about The Cheshire Cat in the novel Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, thought about debts.

The thoughts kept flowing until I reached this particular one,

Offering coffee to my maid - Laxmi in a ceramic cup and not in the usual isolated steel cup which she held in her tiny cold arms. She lifted her timid eyes and smiled. She held a tear drop in her eyes and an unforgettable thankful smile in her lips. Thank you Laxmi for all the help :)

Often we remain so involved and busy with our day to day life that we become selfishly mean. Today, I learned, I am worrying about so many things in my life,or rather, I am cribbing about so many things which aren't right. And have forgotten that my life is like a mirror. I smile at it, and for sure, it smiles back at me. It can transform the unbearable tears into something bearable. SMILE! 

There was an energetic expansive feeling in the air encouraging me to take the leap of faith. This felt foreign to me while I climbed down the stairs and reached my bed, but I guess it's time to embrace it. "You have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." I told myself.

and cuddled to sleep warmly...!





Tuesday, May 14, 2013

alive ;but my world is half asleep.....

Today when I open my eyes, I wondered if I had, for it was just as dark as with them shut. No one was anywhere near to me. I could see nothing hear nothing feel nothing. Just imagine my fright!

Little did I know about the things waiting to happen with me.
Little did I know the pain I was targeted for.

I had realized all I wanted in my life was contentment. I had changed myself rather than changing the world around. It was easier.I was about to set free, like an open high-way but soon I realized it cannot be done. I had lost the key to sanity in a totally insane World of mine.
 
When I asked myself the big question "is that okay?" always I dangled between yes and no. Never could I affirm one of the options.

I am so dead. I can't hide what has come.Things just feel so wrong. I will repent every passing day now.This is torture,pain. You are everything that I want. always know, I love you :(

The life you have given is a gift, I shall cherish whatever I get. I will go through all the pain till it burns me down. After all its not like I am dead.
Bring it on! All the pain, but quickly, I have my life to live yet, the best way.
The pain I feel today will grow into tomorrow's strength. There's more to see and more to do. Sob sob!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

the MOUNTAIN DEW hi-five!


At the beginning of my story I have to mention, the joy you bring to my life is immeasurable. If happiness gets naughty, its you, my perfect friend.

The best moment I lived....

Someplace!
The sparkled white grains of sand, and the huge blue sea stood before my eyes. Such a joy to see the waves crash to the shore and listen to the music of waves. One can feel its strength and power rejuvenating your inner self.

"Why settle for white sand when you can have a little color?" He held my arms and walked me through the tender soft waves, my eye-brows frowned and my foot stumbled.

As the sea breaks and claws the terrorist waves, my soul crept "take air away from me but I wouldn't want to get inside these waves". Every-time a wave hit me, a shatter went through my back. I hated him so much for doing so.

But he filled in me, the courage. The courage let everything in me sink, like the sea. The fear, even the turbulent fear of the crashing sea... in me everything sank.

And , the best part : we lay dead on the shore, bearing the sole, relentless tender waves hitting your mind, body and soul - head to toe. My thoughts slipped to silence one by one and the turbulence inside me had calmed down.As I wide opened my eyes against the burning orange Sun, they rose to the limitless, heavenly ever-blue, sky with wandering white clouds. I wondered where it started and where it ended. I turned towards my left, I saw the white foamy waves dancing along-side under my wide opened arms and my ears soothed to the jazz of waves. I felt strong enough to conquer human race.


and the caged bird sang of freedom!

Are you lost?
Keep looking up.You might not find answers for everything, but then you wouldn't feel lost anymore.

Friday, April 5, 2013

A journey ; like a nice masala tea!

Hey there!
A sneak-peak at how the star - namely me, did only things that are right to to the planet... #naah... right to my nervous system. And, a force - another star; waking me up constantly from drifting into darkness and adding some STUPID to the JOURNEY. A friend for a life time: like the rain-bow after a hurricane.
 
I was having a nice day... and  then I remembered it was Monday! Now where'd the weekend go?
But I managed to make it up for the weekend.

Journey to a place - UNKNOWN 

The radio blared as my "chocolate" raced down the narrow two-lane interstate. The sun, high in the sky, burned bright yellow and the light was scattered throughout the car. On either side of the interstate sat miles and miles of thick jungle, full of huge trees, with withered leaves, which the summer wind had carried with it, and tiny bushes scattered around making room for the wild animals to hide themselves. The lush green tea plants uphill mixed with the moist climate, made the color green more pleasant to our eyes. Tiny water drops kissed the leaves which the trees held. The jungle also opened the stage for the lovely birds to sing, dance and rejoice.


I felt like a bird, flying up in the sky, sensing the freedom, resting on the tree I liked, and doing everything I wanted to do. Crazy things I tell you. Taking a stroll down my memory lane and thinking about a lot of things which weren't right. I told myself DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

I was having a nice time. A time of my own. Pleasant, soothing, adventurous , fun-filled and exciting with a sweetheart who cannot get mad at me for anything. I guess! I am sure he had a tough time. Everything about the trip was just perfect, but, the camera. Sigh! Yeah I forgot!  I had never missed something so badly in my life.

Also would like to include a piece in my blog about the hotel "salt and pepper!". We barged into the restaurant, looked through the menu, placed the order and waited. Quite usual! But the twist, we told them, "we have some shopping to do and be right back in 15 minutes and also we were in hurry and asked them keep the food ready by then!". And we did not return. Accept our apologies. 

Everything I wanted to know about my life were too afraid to ask me. As he rightly says, "Who wants to live a life of necessity?". Couldn't understand how this could affect my "real life". But it did.

During my child-hood , while playing any game with my friends, most of the time I used to get myself out for my friends. My darling grandma used to warn me.  "Play the game for yourself and not for others!" she used to say. I used to snub her. But now I know why she said so.

Peering through the window I asked myself a question, not for the first time, with tears almost reaching my lips,
You gave me life, now show me how to live?!
You know even I wanna LIVE and not just SURVIVE..... and then the Noah’s-Ark-heavy, torrential rain roared down!
 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

High on high-way....

Once upon a time there lived a girl who was very lost...

Don't you hate it when your eyes fall asleep in the day and you KNOW they stay awake the whole night! Don't you?!
But there are certain nights - you wouldn't want to sleep. Or rather you just cannot sleep. #excitement.

An over-night drive amidst scary jungle, has always been just a thought but was soon a pinching REALITY. It happened!

When we hit the roads traveling around 250 km overnight......
 
When you are first thinking through an idea,  it's important not to get bogged down in complexity thinking simply and clearly its hard to do, I can't do and blah blah blah. Bogging down is what I usually do. But this adorable friend of mine, phew! He is crazy! One thing he said, I try to remember always, but only after I have done what I would do! He says, "Be prepared for everything!". Roger that!

Many just know me, only few understand me! He does quite clearly and doesn't halt there. He will re-fill confidence in me, if he feels I have lost it. He re-energizes me if he feels I am growing weak. He is a like a dam across a wild undisciplined river. He Channelizes  my thoughts, my confusions and my life systematically.

The deserted roads,
The quietness,
The peace,
The deer,
The owl,
The giggle,
The tea,
The music,
The forest,
The moon,
The laugh,
The darkness,
The comfort,
The bridge,
The fear,
The street-lights,
The warmth,
The content,
The water,
The hills,
The chirping birds,( they do in the night come on!) 
And someone for you to guide you through the darkness and be there for you.
It was just perfect.

The Joy that you give to others comes back to you. I don't know how far that is true. But the Joy I experienced would be remembered whole life through, adding more SMILES to our friendship.You are the best thing that "has" happened to me. :) 

uffooooo! quit it!
But all good things come to an end and this one did too. The toughest battle is between what you know and what you feel. I know, but still, I feel. Sigh!

And yeah about the title?!! Has nothing to do with any alcohol in our blood. Just ignore!

PS : And when you are keenly trying to spot a "tiger" driving amidst forest, everything - even a dead stone, looks like a tiger. Really!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

when my eyes tell a tale ....

It was a refreshing and the much needed small pause to my life, a pause that helped me define myself.  I have been trying to fit-in which I guess is overrated. I would rather fit-out, as in, be myself and not apologize for myself.

Dear readers,
Relax and spend some time reading this post and make sure your internet  bill is paid.

And my eyes tell a tale, about a beautiful DREAM....

A beautiful #extremely hot, yeah, alright, a not so beautiful Saturday afternoon.  I am presuming Saturday, since I wasn't in office and not Sunday because I don't smell oil in my hair. I am driving "chocolate" - a car whose "steering" alone, I suppose, is mine and the rest? Yeah the bank's.

 A green t-shirt , blue jeans, yellow sandal and purple shades, yeah, how can I forget the doll hair-clip. The world seemed so purpleful, purple trees, purple vehicles, purple sky. I was in my unusual calm mood, wasn't angry or irritated with anything, at all, even when a truck halted almost kissing my car in a series of three signals which is uphill and I am a learner. - #sarcasm.


As I drove down to a fairy land, brushing off the dusty sight, appeared a breathtakingly handsome guy from no where - such a bundle of joy in my heart! As I pushed myself nearer and nearer I could clearly see his darkly tanned skin shining in the beam of sun-light that stole its way into my car. I was hypnotized by his first look - so appealing to my eyes.  The world paused for few minutes in the awe of his presence.

He was sent to wipe away my bad tears, to drive away my fears, to give me all I am without holding back my heart. Soon, the dark storm clouds covered and it was dark. I had a heavy cloud in my head. So much pain was trying to overflow from my eyes, so much agony was hidden behind the walls of my heart,I weep-ed endlessly as he held my arms close to his heart - And everything is right again.

I watched him, as he lay on the bed of clouds, hands tucked behind his head.  A white light flashed on and off from a distance, revealing his face and the perfect lines of his lips. He had his eyes closed, his brain soaking up with something/nothing  which no one could hear. I saw his eyes open, they were a stunning, beautiful brown pair of eyes.

As the white light slowly faded out , the man also faded off into a deep, restful sleep. His body now lay motionless except for the soft rise and fall of his chest with every breath he took. Tiny shadows danced across the wall - the last sight before I closed my eyes into darkness.

Unresisting friendship is YOU. The pearls of tears wouldn't have been so easy to let go without YOU.

The next day -
The morning light chased away the darkness and also the darkness in me - the committee of sleep had worked on it. But he was gone, with the dream. It's a world of dreams- dreams, which are of paramount and weird.

To get a glimpse of him yet another time at-least - I would sleep and quit worrying.

Friday, March 15, 2013

the sweetest gulab jamoon....

Nothing exists in this universe in isolation. Everything exists because its in a relationship with something else.
  
Friends.

Its such a sweet word to utter. A lot understood about them and yet still not understood.
We are always there to listen to each other, to mock at each other, to tease each other, to get angry on, to fight with, to shout at, to ask for a hug, to ask for help, to support you, to motivate you, to protect you, to cheer you up, to congratulate, to comfort, be stupid with ... to fight with your alone-ness.
 - or to just LISTEN, we are there for each other - somehow.


If I have to describe a true friend, I will describe him as a clever-head crazy affectionately wonderful guy always laughing- Raghavendra aka Raghu aka "-------". - yet to fill this blank.

He knows my mood way before I know. Really!
The first time around, I was surprised when he asked me "Enaythoo?! You don't seem alright" and actually I wasn't alright.
There were times when he spent his time only and only to cheer me up. He LISTENS - calmly, when I am mad at something, or I am angry on someone or upset about something. He listens so keenly that sometimes he would have dozed off while I am blabbering.

And there was this time one time, he prepared my favorite "gulab-jamoons" - of-course I asked him to, only for me.

These were the sweetest " gulab-jamoons ", I ever had in my life, pal. May be because you added that secret ingredient
"Affection".
 A Thank-you would be a very small word to express, or rather I choose to not, may be it would make us not friends, if I did.
So I am suspending that thought.


After a few deep breaths -
But still, let me be grateful to this stupid ally of mine, he is like a charming gardener who makes my soul blossom.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

.....the last good-bye

These posts give me freedom and space to do so much more.... Express it my way.
Let me try being poetic for a - CHANGE!

Dear friend,
You were there when I was scared.
You were there when I fell ill.
You used to make me feel like a baby.
You cared for me so much, but never showed it
It was nice to know you were there always for me.


You seemed like a star
who has come down from heaven
A super star - to protect me.
You saved me from sinking into deep darkness,
darkness from where it was difficult to come out.

You were like a morning mist
How I hooked on to you is still a mystery
Every small thing you have done and said - it shows.
I never thanked you for all this may be because
I cannot stand before a mirror and thank myself.

You filled empty spaces with hope
You showed me what I am, where I should go
You came to my life when my World was half asleep
You told me when I made mistakes
You awoke me from the bad dream I was living

You made me face the World without letting it go
Pleasant were the days we spent
Laughing, commenting, being there for each other
But ONE DAY you bid me the last GOOD-BYE
like brushing off the dust from your coat.


You bid me the last good-bye
It still seems like an unstable fearful dream
Good-BYE!- words uttered departed us from our lives
I do not wish to brood upon this thought
We are more than just great friends and that's how the story ends/begins.

-- A friend.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

My two litchi pies!

It's a criminal offense to write only about your crushes.

No really. I blog about people who interest me, who are unusual, who see me as me, and above all who, I know will part ways with my life and I wish to always hold them back through my blogs.

But there are certain people- like the ones' I am going to talk about in this blog, whom I know I will not let them go away from me at any cost and is mutual.

My two litchi pies..... Pavithra and Prarthana.
They both work for social sector and I help them in ways I can :) 



Pavithra --->
A tall, sleek girl, with hair that falls just above her shoulders, Pavitra would seem like a model, if she had more than THE 500 gm of flesh.I don't exactly remember the first time we met which surprises me even today. Even now when I think of her and close my eyes, her pretty face sits atop her shoulders with a brilliant smile. Her body curves to form a figure any male would fight for. But there is more to her than beauty, a wonderful human being. She scolds me that I don't call her back. You never know, may be I don't call you because I want to get scolded by you. I feel like a small lad with folded hands staring at the ruler you are pointing at me, while you scold. I wish I could bottle this feeling.

Prarthana --->
When I first met her, I was overly impressed. Her energy, her warmth, her enthusiasm, her way of showing love and care, her intentions, her thoughts, her talking everything everything inspired me. For a second, I wished, I were her. " Duuh! me and her? ",the very next second, I realized. I thought, I could call her a role model. She indeed is one for many more. When she is around, I feel secured. Life doesn't scare me anymore.  She is a kind of person, I can never lie to.  She is ever ready to help and doesn't care about self.


When they are around, life seems more fun. By just being themselves, they have the ability to lift my spirits.
They seem to be enlightened on all aspects of life, such as family and relationships, and find it easy to relate to almost anyone or anything. Through everything they still have time to have fun. There is love hidden behind any of their gestures.

Many times I am mystified by their ability to just sit and listen to a poor soul like me pour out my mind, but they see it as an opportunity to let me unload. They love to listen to my problems and interject advice that could help me through my struggles. Many times I think I could not live without them, and honestly I don't think I could.

Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, and somewhere in the middle we became the best of friends. You girls have a very special place in my heart. I will love and cherish your very presence in my life always.

Love you sooooo much girls. Thanks for being there :) Always :) 
Numina happy hain kyun ki, Numinaa, Pathaa and Pavitaaaa are beeest friends :)
Best friends by heart and more than that by soul... soul... soul... :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

twinkle twinkle a star called BANE

He picked a cigarette and lit it.
I watched his chest rise and fall again as he took a deep drag off it and blew a large, blue, hazy cloud of smoke into the air. 

His face is chiseled like a finely-carved Michelangelo Buonarroti's statue. A perfectly symmetrical nose, a pair of lips which ends gracefully in a cute smirk at the corners. And eyes, perfect radiant pair of eyes, which gleamed with delight and carried the vigour of youth every-time I saw them. They shone brightly like two black marbles dipped in milky pools.

I also adore him for his brownish-black hair. It is most of the time jumbled and casually- very rarely, neat. His crescent-of-moon eyebrows were thin and narrow.  I love the way he walks with a manly grace without skipping a beat.


My heart skips a beat when he walks in, the tall, dark (- hair color), handsome, with a sun kissed complexion mesmerizes me with every smile of his. His talks, is like a sweet lullaby to my ears.

His personality is complex to understand.I never made an attempt to. All I know is, he eats good, goes to gym, likes watching movies and teases me :P But I always feel special when he talks to me and other girls turn green with envy.

As for me, he is like a colorful rain-bow in my sunny, boring work place.He is like a storm, come and gone. I share my problems with him only to realize at the end of it, I would have almost forgotten what was bothering me.

Its a feeling of relief, as if I have buried all my problems in my back-yard that minute and am flying in the clear-PURPLE sky :)

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A special friend....

My life has become... so... normal.

NORMAL!

That kept me ponder. Having a disability - special ability, is what I prefer calling it, can affect in many aspects of a person's life.

Waking up, taking bath, dressing up, at work place, boarding a public transport, buying things, at home, cooking, could be as simple as calling somebody. For all those, including me, who think their lives are just normal... Take a moment.
Imagine.
Think.
Its scary.

Personally if I were one, I would probably prefer sitting at home and have someone take care of me. :P
But this is not really the case. Lets find out from my experience with a special friend of mine.


Getting to know him...
Manii ( Name changed ) , a 26 year old lean, tall, malyali. I should improve on my skills to describe a person. He is deaf and dumb and I presume he can hear the loudest of noise, feebly. Going out with him was adventurous and as fresh as it is the first time. He is a great company and is passionate about so many things in life. High levels of patience he had. I used to ask him the sign for the same set of words every time I meet him. He always used to correct me with a grin and of-course a light, gentle pat on my head , showing affection.



With my experience spending time with him, a couple of things to keep in mind when you have such a friend.
1) Do not call them on their mobile.
     The first time we decided to meet for lunch at McDs. I reached the place and totally forgot about his abilities. I called him over his phone to know where he was. He cut the call once. I called again. How Stupid! Don't do that.
2) Do not say the place is noicy.
    We were in Barista. The table next to us, were not keeping their conversation to themselves. I showed him in sign language. Can we go to a more quieter place? I did not realize until I could see his face. I am sorry Mani.
3) Do not talk about subtitles if you don't like them.
    Discussion about movies is quiet common. So we did not miss out on that part too. While discussing, since I hate subtitles, I showed him in sign-language, "sub-titles are annoying!". I was also celebrating learning "annoying" in sign-language. But I had already done the damage. Sorry again Mani.
4) Do not speak about his speech.
    As I have mentioned earlier, Mani was a very passionate pal. He used to ask me tips to improve his English. I got him some grammar books too. I once told him "Your English is good. You can read news paper and listen to news to improve!". Shooot!! Not again :(
5) You make sure you explain the joke to him.
    He used to come to a lot of events - NGO oriented. He was always keen to help. You are talking to a bunch of friends who are normal and suddenly someone cracks a joke and guuushh!! everybody laughs. Mani just smiles looking at us laugh. And he just sighs, what is it? I had tears the first time I saw him do this. We must always make sure they take part in the group and not feel left out.
6) Do not under-estimate them from your words.
    He always wanted to ride my two-wheeler. I used to sign him, "if horn how you listen!". That's rude. I should be penalized for being so brutal. I changed it. I later on used to sign him, "my breaks no work."
7) Do not be surprised if they give you, their phone number.
     Of-course they can text! I asked him, "you mobile why?". Do not. It might not matter to us. But it does for them. Big time.
8)  And last more importantly, do not feel sorry about their disability but feel sorry for yourself when you make them feel disabled.

I suggest each one of you to have such a friend. You will be utterly amused :) As I am :)